Do You Know Your Abuser?
By: Lila Cano
Graph by: Lila Cano
Across spectrums people of all backgrounds have been put at risk in experiencing abuse from their own family members. Abusive relationships can be better understood as an “abuse of power” which tend to grow between those of the greatest power differential; the strongest abusing the least. In order to understand why individuals are subjected to this type of toxic behavior, it is important to consider economic status, power dynamics, and gender of the victim and/ or abuser.
The types of abusive relationships people face may include physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. Most victims do not recognize their abusers as toxic and instead question themselves as to what they did to make this happen. Women with abusive husbands often justify the abuse as an expression of grand love. Rather than holding husbands accountable, most women are quick to blame themselves for causing abusive responses. Men who physically abuse their wives are more likely to abuse their children as well.
Studies indicate that physical abuse tends to sprout from a feeling of parental impotence. During times of economic struggle, parents are more likely to abuse their children. For example, mothers are likely to resort to violence when they feel as if they have lost control of not only their children, but also their own lives. Although abusive behavior is expressive of lack or loss of power, it is not instrumental; in other words, this type of behavior is not the solution for restoring power.
A form of abuse that is often overlooked is psychological. This form of abuse is commonly found within families due to being the primary group to construct an individual’s perception of reality. Within families differing views and perspectives are uncommon, thus leading to manipulative behavior as a means to control and regulate family members along with their morals and way of thinking.
Brainwashing and gaslighting are the main strategies used within psychologically abusive relationships. Brainwashing occurs when an abuser makes someone adopt beliefs, similar to their own, by using a systematic and forcible pressure. On the other hand, gaslighting can be defined as psychological manipulation used to sow seeds of doubt within an individual. This type of behavior eventually leads victims to question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Most psychological abuse usually happens when the abuser is trying to control their victim.
Victims are subjected to this type of abuse under the pressure to keep family members close, even in the face of the toxicity. Avoiding these types of abusive relationships can be extremely difficult with expectations to express loyalty, unconditional love, and forgiveness within family ties. With more and more victims holding their abusers accountable, ending connections with abusive family members has become more normalized.
The impact psychological abuse has on an individual is inclusive of the distortion of one’s own reality and self-image, and may be one of the most devastating effects of this type of trauma. Studies indicate that victims of abuse later tend to struggle with intimacy, close relationships, and self-esteem. Victims of this form of abuse grow to believe they are unlovable, uncontrollable, and inferior. More importantly, victims begin to believe they deserve this type of abuse, regardless of the severity of it.
Most victims of abuse, even if they are not experiencing the same form of abuse, tend to blame themselves for their living situation. Researchers have begun to question if the age in which an individual experiences trauma can intensify the impact of it. For example, if two victims face the same type of abuse but at differing ages, will the younger victim face more profound, long-term, and irreversible effects? Or vise-versa?
Sexual abuse, especially within families, is not only a sensitive topic for victims to discuss but also a difficult one for people to accept the truth about. Research shows that most victims of sexual abuse are around pre-adolescent and adolescent years and that these young victims are less likely to question an abusive relationship. Each differing family group can be held responsible for enabling these types of abusive behavior and may be to blame for the prolonged history of family abuse.
Before social and political groups took on physical abuse as a movement, the abuse of women was not only common but also somewhat accepted in society. Once an issue like this one was brought to these activist groups, the expectations for treatment of women and children completely changed. Within the last century, physical abuse has become one of the most socially unacceptable acts.
Although this form of abuse has not been eliminated completely, it has provided pressure on abusers Following this path, sexual and psychological abusers are beginning to be held accountable more often than before. If society were to continue standing together, movements such as the one against physical abuse could eventually lead to the end of psychological and sexual abusers all together.
Beyond our own ability to transform societal norms, we can look to more powerful outlets such as our institutions of society. These institutions can be looked to and used to initiate change. Within a learning atmosphere, psychology has the ability to further focus on psychological abuse, its impact and why it happens. If this type of information were incorporated into our curriculum, perhaps the frequency of abusive relationships within families would decline. Hospitals, doctors, and even nurses tend to mainly physically abusive trauma, most likely because it is most commonly reported. If the individuals under this umbrella were more willing to hold psychological and sexual abuse to the same standard, it would give victims a chance to feel safe enough to discuss their traumas.
As if physical, psychological, and sexual abuse were not difficult enough to manage already, occurrence within our own family ties increases the severity of impact. Although some may feel guilty for wanting to end ties with toxic family relations, an individual has the right to do what is best for themselves; especially if their abuser is someone relatively close. Understanding what abuse looks like and having the strength to hold abusers accountable is the first step to ending it for eternity.
Facing your abuser daily, or just during holidays and other family gatherings can eventually lead to a never-ending loop of recurring trauma. It is important to put ourselves first in order to recognize the true state of our wellbeing. The willingness to discuss these forms of traumas, a brave act within itself, can eventually lead to a deep intolerance of abuse altogether, not just within family.
There is no hierarchy to one’s suffering, but it is important to understand that other individuals may be facing similar issues and that we are not alone in our experiences. Habits of families with a long history of abusive relationships can be difficult to transform but is not impossible. The power is within ourselves, and together we can be the change we wish to see.