How I Garden My Soul
by Kamille Tate
“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” Rumi said.
As a nontraditional student and Lover’s Lagoon columnist, I feel there are many communities to acknowledge and celebrate. While identifying within the LGBTQIA+ community, a breast cancer and stroke survivor, I thought to share a bit of how Chaffey College has allowed me to come back to life in a sense.
Growing up an only child, I spent an astronomical amount of time by myself. My upbringing was quite controlled, yet unorthodox in many ways. I was the type of child who would cry if an authority figure raised their voice at me.
However, I would speak up for myself when it came to having a unique style and healthy sense of awareness. This was easy to me because I knew of the differences within the family dynamic.
The way I chose to speak, dress and overall express myself within my human experience led to feelings of isolation. The level of autonomy I expressed started to conflict within interpersonal relationships.
I recall a relative telling me of my enjoyment in watching a series entitled “The Flying Nun”, and she told me the story as if I was not a part of it. I was told I would watch the show daily, then one day I shared with her that I wanted to be a nun. With delight in her tone she reminisced and laughed thinking it was the funniest thing.
That was the moment I decided to protect myself from unsafe emotional spaces. I learned early on that I needed safeguards for myself after enduring constant mockery when sharing intimate thoughts.
I was followed by extremely high expectations and hypercriticism that was used to invalidate every accomplishment. I began to confide in myself through journaling where I truly got to know myself and later become my own best friend.
At the age of sixteen I shared my thoughts with my boyfriend at the time of my curiosity toward my virginity, expressing my love for him. The response was loving, but the only emotion I associated with the situation at the time was rejection. Rather than diving quickly into a new relationship, I chose a tattoo –– a black widow.
Prior to that experience I had taken an informal vow of chastity. It was at that time I decided to commit to myself. While just learning external validation, expressions of affection and acknowledgement were used to control my behavior and words.
Feeling as the black sheep of the family and in an unattainable relationship as the love of my life was older yet respectful as I was unaware of the boundaries within our communication.
Nevertheless, the men in my life [Grandparents, Father, Uncles and my Love] were always supportive, encouraging, nurturing and expressed thought provoking wisdom in ways that I cherish to this day. All of those men are with God yet physically I embrace their spirits and take the lessons learned within my heart to discover love and life on my own terms.
The idea of the human experience is fascinating as an ideology of the painful abusive mask of torment classified [in modern society] as love being long-suffering. The men who raised me were the opposite of that which is why I am certain that I will unearth a love in this lifetime that my dreams are made of.
With that, I am excited to share the knowledge I have thus far as an empty-nester with a new lease on life. Beginning 2022 I was strictly an online student until the encouragement from my EOPS counselor allowed me to blossom into the woman I am today. Finding a sense of belonging and connectedness on Campus has broadened my capacity as I once believed I was introverted, but on the contrary, I am a fun-loving, extrovert with lots of lived experiences to assist the younger generation of scholars finding their way.
Chaffey College has given me a joy I had never experienced within academia, allowing me to combine my love for learning and creative spaces to share the thoughts in my heart to hopefully inspire and allow others to feel heard and most importantly understood. As we strive toward our goals and dreams we can also enjoy the love and excitement our journeys intercept within the fields, classrooms and lounge areas at the Rancho Cucamonga campus and beyond.
Embrace the awkward, silly, unique and often misunderstood aspects within as you unfold the parts others may not understand. The beauty of it all, is that age is just a concept we have a bit of control of, in the way of saying you are only as young as you feel, so let your inner child play in the appropriate ways within adulthood.
The secret is keeping that child alive as we come back to the basics, finding inspiration and encouragement from our childlike selves when we dive into our minds and hearts toward our purpose –– the major selected, the courses we engage in and the experiences we invite as undergraduate students.
As I remove the seeds of negativity from my childhood, I am delighted when my younger self assists in my writing or taking steps outside of my comfort zone to mingle or attend events. The academic and social aspects of undergraduate school is quite transformational for emerging adults. While I am returning to school at an older age, I can leave the other aspects of societal norms, rules and roles behind me as I have entered motherhood.
I am encouraging us all to reparent ourselves, not in the sense of our parents getting it wrong, but in a way of truly understanding the ways in which we may have allowed the thoughts, opinions or judgements to shrink the brilliant and curious person we are. Finding the flaws other people placed upon us and removing them through healing, self-expression and achievement. When we truly accept ourselves –– the good, the bad and the ugly –– we understand the art of aspiring to ascend toward the goodness within our hearts and minds.
With Love,
Kamille Tate