Love is Divine, Inward and Eternal
By Kamille Tate
"I am in Love with Love and Love is in Love with me.
My body is in Love with the Soul, and the Soul is in Love with my body.
I opened my arms to Love
... and Love embraced me like a Lover."
Rumi
As a woman de-centering many social constructs concerning gender norms, roles, expectations and such, I find myself revisiting thoughts from my youth. I recall the structure in which I was raised -- relationships with grandparents, my father, uncles, cousins, and other familial connections -- shaping the woman I am today.
It began during my elementary school years, during a time I dubbed “Mermaid Life” as I recall the first visit from the imaginary Pirate -- who seemed to only appear during my nightly bath. I felt as if I were a mermaid observing the ways of the sea.
However, shortly after we moved to another area of Los Angeles, Calif., the pirate did not join us in the new space. Yet mermaid life continued as I began listing to a countdown on Power 106 as it occurred nightly like clockwork.
One evening during the show, a song by Second II None entered the rotation. The song was “If You Want It” -- this was approximately 1991, therefore, I was eleven years old. As I soaked in the concoction of water, oils and epsom salts; my thoughts, feelings, emotions and emerging desires, I fell in love. My human form, began to be much more than simply my body. I connected with my soul and the essence of myself in that moment.
In an instant I remembered the Greek Mythological tale of Echo and Narcissus from the previous school, where I would fantasize about Pirate Life and what I envisioned it to entail. As an only child I had a lovely amount of privacy, so as the song played, I began to explore the body my Soul chose for this incarnation.
It was on that occasion that I, like Narcissus discovered love for and to myself, disregarding the details of the myth while finding my own retelling of the embrace of Echo -- the exterior of myself. The physical expression of a shy, quiet, studious girl who often found introspection in the silence of solitude merged with the interior. Narcissus -- a girl in love with the beautiful reflection of mind, body, soul and spirit.
At an early age I was convinced I wanted to become a nun, until mocking from a supposed role model limited the belief of doing so. At some point I learned the concept of chastity and with the wisdom of my father instructing me “don’t be promiscuous” I combined the knowledge of what that meant and decided “I could be a spinster!”
That was until I fell in love.
I was indirectly babysitting a younger cousin as his parents were in conflict and I thought to remove ourselves from the tension. As I stepped outside a beautiful man with a magnetic smile crossed our path, we spoke and before I knew it, he had disappeared.
The next day I adorned myself with a cute dress, lip gloss and accessories which highlighted attributes I found most attractive. He was nowhere in sight, but I did meet another gentleman who was nice. However, he did not captivate me as the one from the day before. By the third day I was beginning to lose hope that I would see him again, until by chance a friend asked me to go to the store with her.
Lo and behold, the two gentlemen were there. Come to find out, they were friends. I made my choice clear on who I was attracted to, which led to an invitation to the makeshift basketball court in our apartment community. They played, and at times my friend and I joined in. Before we parted ways, telephone numbers were exchanged.
Our conversations were about philosophy, music, films, thoughts and theories. When I disclosed my age there was a bit of shock as it was implied that I was older since when we first met there was a baby on my hip. Therefore, there was an unspoken boundary for our connection. Our friendship remained for about two years, so at the age of sixteen when I expressed my love, admiration and desire I was met with redirection as it would not be appropriate.
With feelings of rejection, I was incapable at the time to truly hear the wisdom he shared about love, virginity and the sacred space of energy exchanged when human bodies embrace in the most intimate way imaginable. I responded with a tattoo -- a black widow on my left shoulder.
The next time I saw him, I had a child. I knew he had heard the gossip of my pregnancy. However, our paths never crossed during that experience. Until one evening as I returned from shopping with bedding for my baby, he was in his backyard and saw me -- inviting me to sit with him.
He smoked as we spoke and listened to “Dark Side of the Moon” by Pink Floyd. It was romantic, enlightening and transparent. I expressed the reality of having a child and he assured me that he knew, and it had not changed his feelings for me. We were now at ages more appropriate for a promising relationship.
It was now after Christmas as the New Year approached, and I had gotten a cold. He insisted on bringing medicine for me and before I knew it he was at my window with his hypnotizing smile. I went to him, the conversation was of our future together, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was over the moon!
Shortly after I called to wish him a “Happy New Year!” when I was told “he’s no longer with us." My 21-year-old self did not understand the words spoken as thoughts of confusion flooded my mind. Where could he have gone in such a short time? Why would he not tell me he was leaving?
Well, I called again the following day and was told “honey, [his name] is dead”. Silence, tears and heartache filled my being. I wanted to die to be with him, but I had a young child to live for.
The memory of the most amazing man -- aside from my father and other male role models -- has remained with me for over twenty years.
I have since loved and lost yet never in the same capacity. I am now in a space of peace as the love I shared with him is cherished in a sacred space within my being. I have healed, matured and grown into the understanding of my spinster lifestyle which is often misunderstood.
Although, upon his passing I was his girlfriend, but I was already my own wife.
Confused?
My idea of my spinster life consists of the love for myself expressed through God, in the form of a human experience. As I strive for the desires within my heart, filled with love, acceptance, internal validation and such, I am complete. Therefore, not in search of my better half or someone to make me whole. I am free to express love in ways I find resonates with me. As I follow my path along the academic journey at Chaffey College, I am open to companionship as well as friendships.
The tattoo on my shoulder has since faded, yet it remains as a testament to my commitment to a love that was life altering. He was and remains to be the prototype for the love I yearn for: supportive, encouraging, understanding while providing the freedom to remain my authentic self. The lessons and conversations shaped the woman I am today and what I look for with another.
As an asexual, heterosexual, but ultimately bisexual woman it is a bit misleading. I am my own wife (and husband) -- the best of my divine masculine and divine feminine energies. As of yet, I have not declared whether my next love will be a man or a woman, as either are simply extensions of the love I have cultivated from within. Another would simply be an extension of the love I share with myself and Infinite Intelligence (God).
Over the years holidays have been difficult, as his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas followed by the New Year fall like dominoes as I await my birthday soon after. The past couple of years have not been as difficult as the grief has morphed from another Rumi quote, an expression I shared as the eldest daughter celebrating the life of my father who passed in 2018. The quote says:
Your body is away from me
but there is a window open
from my heart to yours.
From this window, like the moon
I keep sending news secretly.
The beauty of spirituality is when affirmation and confirmation allow me to know the messages are sent and received. The connection of love transcends the physical realm of existence, because when love is expressed and felt, even death cannot separate us from our loved ones: past, present and future.
The hope of love, not in the sense of reliving love lost, but being open and honest about the depths in which we have the capacity in which to love. Beginning with self-love which includes self-care, self-respect, integrity and self- acceptance allows us to extend that love to others.
As the awareness of LGBTQIA+ month has come to an end I implore us to embrace the parts within us that society attempts to shame or confuse as it may not appear as they say we should or ought to be. Be free to express ourselves from the God-given right to a human experience, even if it differs from what others choose to embrace or suppress.
As our mascot, the Panther, we are encouraged to roar, use our wits and sensibilities to prowl with patience and stealth toward our degrees. With perseverance, determination and tenacity we achieve our goals while leaving our hearts and minds open to new experiences and perhaps, love.
With Love,
Kamille Tate