By Kaylee Fullington

Nineteen going on twenty is definitely not what I expected it to be. In my years leading up to now, I presumed that I would be met with all the answers to life when I reached this age.

While there will always be things out of my control in life, this truth has only recently settled in. I relied on my curiosities to guide me through life, but I was not prepared for the day I would feel left stranded by my own mind.

Growing up as the eldest daughter, I have always had a tendency to care deeply for all that surrounds me. While my concerns for suiting the needs of those around me became a top priority, I forgot that I still have my own soul to care for as well. Undergoing harsh treatments from others shifted my mind into believing that my voice was not meaningful, and was only useful when telling others what they wanted to hear.

Sustaining an independent voice in society can be intimidating, and as a quiet child I felt perpetually claustrophobic in the world around me. Watching my creativity fade as a result of entertaining mentally draining relationships initially left my mind boiling in toxic positivity.

As unhealthy as it is, I noticed myself prioritizing a “positive mindset” while allowing my emotional roadblocks to worsen behind the scenes. Lacking the joy from the curiosities that once fueled me began to make me feel lifeless, and continuously giving for those who were not concerned of my well being was the ultimate loss.

A fear of disappointment grew within me as I did not want to let down those around me by making a “wrong” decision, and this is when I realized that I had not been keeping my best interests in mind. Making the needs of others my first priority is where I first began to mistreat myself, as I never foresaw my acts of helpfulness hurting my psyche in the long run.

I remained blind to how fulfilling my curiosity once was until I was left feeling like there was not an original thought left in my brain. Envy of my younger self grew when I no longer felt the passion for what I once enjoyed, and life had been dull since my curiosity for the future vanished.

My emotional detachment from the world presented a sense of urgency to set my curiosity back on its course. Wallowing in the fear of my future self becoming trapped in joyless work was discomforting, so I needed to begin making decisions that would benefit my future. Uninviting that fear from haunting me has allowed me to turn it into a newfound fuel to better my psyche.

I used to be followed by the guilt of leaving my younger self behind, but I now realize that she was never meant to be alone. My inner child will always be a part of me, so I cannot be dismissive of her existence.

Nineteen has been a confusing, yet surprisingly self-discovering age. I have felt both shattered and at peace with the fact I will soon no longer be a teenager. The sentiment that fills me has made this adjustment difficult to face, but there is now optimism in my view of this change.

Now that I remain gentle in my approach of caring for my adult self, I will not condone the mistreatment of my psyche as my twenties approach. Despite the fact that I will no longer be living in my teenage years, the struggles I lived within these years naturally sourced the passion behind these words.

As I continue to step further into adulthood, I can not further neglect the past versions of myself that shaped me into who I am at this very moment. Moving forward, I will work towards healing my inner child, and allowing my curiosities to flourish through my writings is making her proud.

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